Friday, June 29, 2012

Saturday Night Blue

It always occurs to me to wonder why I am not good enough. I cry. I sob and I look like a panda. So, what do I get in the end?

A pair of panda eyes, perhaps.  It didn’t made me feel any better.

If we just sit and do nothing, and all we do is regretting what’s being done, we won't get nowhere.

So Atikah,



Allah will help those who help themselves.

I often pray  so that He guides me to the righteneous, I ask Him to show me the way to gain His bless and His love. I say that I want to seek for His eternal love. But too little of my actions synchronise with what I pray and say.  Too little I've done to secure my place in heaven, too small my sacrifices are, too many jahilliah unsettled. I abide by nafs. I still not be able to satisfies all the ten muwasafat tarbiyah. So is it true that I really put Him as my highest priority? If I do, why didn't I work with 100% productivity just for Him? One does not called fallling in love when they have no interest in impressing the person they thought they fall fall for...

One Step At A Time

photo by deviantart

42 days ago, probably at this moment I was walking out the exam hall for the last time (for the IB exam, I mean). To be honest, I had mixed feelings when the exam ended. Of course, I was happy for able to finish the two gruelling years in KMB. At the same time, I felt sad to leave the college, teachers, friends, my favourite nasi lemak, kue tiaw kungfu and laici susu. Teehee. That was a 42-days-ago story. Let’s turn the time machine into NOW.

So currently, I am in holidays, which lasts until September. The result will be announced somewhere in July. Talking about the result, I would like to quote a post by one of the KMBians on the wall of our batch’s facebook group.

 an ib student waiting for results feels like a chicken about to be slaughtered...

Gulp! I can’t help but nodding as a sign of agreement when reading this line.

Moving on..

So far, I’m spending my time by watching TV, surfing the internet and reading books. I’m currently engaging myself to read The Magic. It’s actually a present from my classmate during our class party. I don’t know whether he intended to give me this book or just picked up randomly. When I received the book, I said to myself,

“Is it a sign, Atikah? Perhaps all these while, you’re not grateful enough. A lack in gratitude; this might be an answer for your inferiority and negative mindset.”

Previously, I saw the book a few times in bookstores, but I never dare to touch or even buy it. I am not saying that the book is bad or whatnot, but you know, I just do not feel interested. Don’t ask me why because I can’t even give you the reason. This book is 254 pages long, but I find it difficult to finish it, not because it doesn’t interesting but it comes with some practical. (The practical thingy really takes time!). Basically, this book really focuses on gratitude and I believe the author wants the readers to really hammer home the importance of gratitude in making each day of our life a masterpiece. 

Gratitude! It sounds simple but it really hard to practise. But it’s not impossible though. InsyaAllah, I am trying to cultivate and instil it in myself. I suppose I got plenty of time. My holidays last until September, remember? Well, a holiday is always the best time for self-reflection. Don’t you think so?

Today, I came across a quote or some of us might want to regard it as a mantra, which sounds;

Change your thoughts, you change the world

Apparently this is a peppy little saying or else it can be a plain annoying. If only the “change” is easy as it sounds.  If only it could happen in the blink of eyes. Forget the “if only’ and let’s face it. It ain’t easy. This is what I am struggling so hard; to change my thoughts.

photo by deviantart

In person, some people might regard me as a confident person. But another time, I could be really negative or even a naysayer. When times are tough, when I am very tired doing things and getting stuffs done, when I feel so frustrated by disappointments, I often find it difficult to change course, recalibrate and steer my little ship of self into positive direction. Instead, I cry silently to myself and worse, indulge myself in unbeneficial activities for escapism. This involved reading frothy novels, and sleeping. The 2 years in KMB really taught me something; I realize that my negative mindset is what held me back more than anything. I realized that I spend more time to treat my emotion rather than really doing something. At last, I found myself in a loss.

The feeling of uneasiness however, is normal for human. We are just a weak creature, after all. It is a matter of how we deal with those problems. Therefore, we need to hold on to something sacred in our life, which is of course the Almighty.

Still, I don’t want this situation happen again in the future, not in my university life. I don’t want to be the person, who sobs in the corner wondering why I am not good enough. I don’t want the disappointments I faced thwart my journey. I don’t want my emotion governs me and ceases me from doing the thing that I should do in the very first place.

All because I don’t want to be in a big loss.

Metaphorically speaking, I’ve seen those, who can walk through a field of Poison Ivy without having a slightest discomfort. These people do not seem to be affected by speed bumps of life. They remain unscathed despite of all shortcomings. So, what makes these people different from me? What makes these people more resilient? I believe it's because they all practise gratitude and have a positive mind about everything. How to do it then?

In life, we are often blinded by what we desire and things we don’t possess, we fail to remember the things (and people) we already have, things that have always been there since the very beginning. We fail to make the best of what we have because we keep on grasping tight on things that make us sad. We fail to move on because when we say we’ve moved on, but we actually don’t.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in a rain.

A simple, yet a profound treasure behind the line. Don’t you agree? How often we had put conditions on our happiness in our daily lives? When we receive flying colours result, then we can be happy. When we are in a vacation with our family, then we’ll able to do more together; strengthen our ties. Is just that? Let’s take some time to pause, recognize and be grateful for the immense blessings that are all around us- the joys that were too often going unnoticed in our rush to future happiness.

InshaAllah, one step at a time, I am learning to dance in the rain.

Yours truly,

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...