Of Life And Thoughts

by saxonfenken

The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.

Back in primary school, I always dream to study in this one school but then, I failed to secure a place there. Instead I went to a school that I never expected to study in. But in no time, I love this school surprisingly and until now, I'm very grateful to have a chance to study there. When I sat for PMR, I was aiming for not merely straights As only but something better. Again, I failed to get what I really want. Another disappointment hit me but life must be go on. And yes, it did. And then, there SPM came. I was so determined to get something that I really want for ages, which’s not just getting strings of As. I really want to pursue my study at this one college but all I got was another downturn.

"Hey, you're expecting too much!"

Yes, I am. I do think that it's not an erroneous for expecting something better in life but of course, it must come along with efforts. Like others, I always want more and more, not enough with things and achievements I have right now, which undeniably normal for homosapien. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful of what I'm having right now, but I just can’t resist that feeling. It’s actually good for some reasons as it keep us struggling more but on the other side, being greedy is such a horrible attitude.

All the disappointments sometimes make me think of giving up. I’m just so sick of keep failing and failing. It is surely an unbearable feeling when things didn't go as we planned, especially when we have tried hard enough. But as a Muslim especially, I always believe this,

ALLAH Answers Prayers In Three Ways:

He Says Yes And Gives You What You Want.

He Says No And Gives You Better.

He Says Wait And Gives You The Best In His Own Time.

Still, there are times when it's hard not to feel despondent and crest fallen. At that time, it is utterly difficult for me to really accept this piece of words. Moreover, I personally the one who sometimes could get sad with no obvious reasons, easily hurt and very sensitive. I could be annoying to some people. Last week, I have answered a personality quiz and as I expected, the result is not extremely good. I didn’t get the full report of the result as I need to pay for it. However, the-not-extremely-good is just enough to tell me everything. It has always been an issue for me on why it is so hard to control my moods and emotions. I always want to be emotionally intelligent person, who is able to understand and deal with his/her emotions easily, and not to mention always be positive in life.

As for me, when I failed to get something, the one I blamed is none except myself. Because I know I have not tried hard enough. It is as if I aimed for the stars but I didn’t pull my socks up. I often get discouraged and live in my very own comfort zone and just realize it on the very last minute. This is what we called the typical Malay. I always try to change as I don’t want to be labeled as that kind of typical Malay. Occasionally, it makes me wonder of what keeps me motivated. Is it respect, praise and admiration from other people or some soothing words from my love ones? ASK yourself dear Atikah.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

Like anyone else, I do envy people. At times, this some sort of question pleads my mind for an answer “Why she/he has these and those, but I don't?” Every time this feeling crosses my thought, I immediately remind myself that each person is special on their own ways. But still, it's not easy for me to really accept this line. Because all I could see is my bad side. =.= But then, the only remedy is Him. Life is surely grey, dull and pointless without Him. At that point, I know I have no reasons to complain. I really should have focused on what I have, instead of stressing out on what I don’t have.

kmb-ians-taken before the holidays

In life, there’s good time and bad time. Life's not all gloom and despondency; all those things actually make our life even more meaningful. It is ok to feel good about ourselves sometimes. I think this is the right time for me to start flattering on myself -surely for good reasons. I should realize that I am actually luckier than some other people. (though some other people are luckier than me.) I still have family and friends who are always there for me and support me behind. In short, all I have to do is to have faith in myself and keep striving more.

Have you ever heard that life is a choice? We choose which choices we wanna take. I choose to go through some sort of difficulties, in a doubt of choosing the wrong ones. I always worried that I’ve not made a wise decision but it’s my choice after all. Is it risk- taking, isn’t? Right now, I haven’t any choice except keep walking in this path, not knowing what confront me later. All I know is that there’s no way of turning back. But why I am still struggling in this life? Well, it's simply because I want my life to mean more. I want to be a better person; a better Muslim. I want to be able to wake up one day and not regretting any steps that I didn't take knowing that I could've made life differently. With all these, in a hope one day that every sugar tastes sweeter and every hardships seems bearable. I want to be somebody who could finishes what she had started even if all the fibres in her body hates it. Because experiences is the best teacher that helps to build one’s characters.

Every night, before I went to bed, I'll imagine myself living in the 'life' I wanna be. You have no idea on how I really want this. It is indeed a great pleasure and somehow motivates me to do well in life, despite of gruelling days I had and have to face. However, my mind always occupies with worry of not getting what I want. I am so scared if I happen to face it. “Man Proposes, God Disposes.”

To quote an article I just read,

Dream more while you are awake.

Lastly, I’ve attracted by a phrase from a blog that I read just now,

Don't you think life is too short to not work hard?

*********

PS:My posts has always been emotional. TOLD ya, I'm an emotional person. ( Argh, I hate to admit it) Seems my life is quite transparent now, isn’t? I once had promised myself I didn’t want to blog crappy posts anymore but nah..... @.@