42 days ago, probably at this moment I was
walking out the exam hall for the last time (for the IB exam, I mean). To be
honest, I had mixed feelings when the exam ended. Of course, I was happy for
able to finish the two gruelling years in KMB. At the same time, I felt sad to
leave the college, teachers, friends, my favourite nasi lemak, kue tiaw kungfu
and laici susu. Teehee. That was a 42-days-ago story. Let’s turn the time
machine into NOW.
So currently, I am in holidays, which lasts
until September. The result will be announced somewhere in July. Talking about
the result, I would like to quote a post by one of the KMBians on the wall of our
batch’s facebook group.
an ib student waiting for results feels like a chicken about to be slaughtered...
Gulp! I can’t help but nodding as a sign of agreement
when reading this line.
Moving on..
So far, I’m spending my time by watching TV, surfing
the internet and reading books. I’m currently engaging myself to read The
Magic. It’s actually a present from my classmate during our class party. I
don’t know whether he intended to give me this book or just picked up randomly.
When I received the book, I said to myself,
“Is it a sign, Atikah? Perhaps all these while,
you’re not grateful enough. A lack in gratitude; this might be an answer for
your inferiority and negative mindset.”
Previously, I saw the book a few times in
bookstores, but I never dare to touch or even buy it. I am not saying that the
book is bad or whatnot, but you know, I just do not feel interested. Don’t ask
me why because I can’t even give you the reason. This book is 254 pages long,
but I find it difficult to finish it, not because it doesn’t interesting but it
comes with some practical. (The practical thingy really takes time!).
Basically, this book really focuses on gratitude and I believe the author wants
the readers to really hammer home the importance of gratitude in making each
day of our life a masterpiece.
Gratitude! It sounds simple but it really hard
to practise. But it’s not impossible though. InsyaAllah, I am trying to
cultivate and instil it in myself. I suppose I got plenty of time. My holidays
last until September, remember? Well, a holiday is always the best time for
self-reflection. Don’t you think so?
Today, I came across a quote or some of us might
want to regard it as a mantra, which sounds;
Change your thoughts,
you change the world
Apparently this is a peppy little saying or else
it can be a plain annoying. If only the “change” is easy as it sounds. If
only it could happen in the blink of eyes. Forget the “if only’ and let’s face
it. It ain’t easy. This is what I am struggling so hard; to change my thoughts.
In person, some people might regard me as a
confident person. But another time, I could be really negative or even a
naysayer. When
times are tough, when I am very tired doing things and getting stuffs done,
when I feel so frustrated by disappointments, I often find it difficult to
change course, recalibrate and steer my little ship of self into positive
direction. Instead, I cry silently to myself and worse, indulge myself in
unbeneficial activities for escapism. This involved reading frothy novels, and
sleeping. The 2 years in KMB really taught me something; I realize that my
negative mindset is what held me back more than anything. I realized that I
spend more time to treat my emotion rather than really doing something. At
last, I found myself in a loss.
The feeling of uneasiness however, is normal for human.
We
are just a weak creature, after all. It is a matter of how we deal with those
problems. Therefore, we need to hold on to something sacred in our life, which
is of course the Almighty.
Still, I don’t want this situation happen again
in the future, not in my university life. I
don’t want to be the person, who sobs in the corner wondering why I am not good
enough. I don’t want the disappointments I faced thwart my journey. I don’t
want my emotion governs me and ceases me from doing the thing that I should do
in the very first place.
All because I don’t want to be in a big loss.
Metaphorically speaking, I’ve seen those, who
can walk through a field of Poison Ivy without having a slightest discomfort.
These people do not seem to be affected by speed bumps of life. They remain
unscathed despite of all shortcomings. So, what makes these people different
from me? What makes these people more resilient? I believe it's because they
all practise gratitude and have a positive mind about everything. How to do it
then?
In life, we are often blinded by what we
desire and things we don’t possess, we fail to remember the things (and people)
we already have, things that have always been there since the very beginning.
We fail to make the best of what we have because we keep on grasping tight on
things that make us sad. We fail to move on because when we say we’ve moved on,
but we actually don’t.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.
It is about learning to dance in a rain.
A simple, yet a profound treasure behind the
line. Don’t you agree? How often we had put conditions on our happiness in our
daily lives? When we receive flying colours result, then we can be happy. When
we are in a vacation with our family, then we’ll able to do more together;
strengthen our ties. Is just that? Let’s take some time to pause, recognize and
be grateful for the immense blessings that are all around us- the joys that
were too often going unnoticed in our rush to future happiness.
InshaAllah, one step at a time, I am learning to
dance in the rain.
Yours truly,
Atikah
